Lost in Kishimoto
by Mass Effecting Your Pants
Summary: RealWorld!Naruto x Ninja!Sasuke. AU, romance, humour, slight drama. "Look, I'm not Naruto ok? Well I am, but I'm not the guy you want me to be, so -so don't think I can be. I don't like instant ramen. I don't like pink hair. I don't have weird-ass whisker things on my face. I look like him and I'm sure he's real swell but I'm not that guy, so let's get that straight right now."
1. Chapter 1

_Some time ago there was this show on TV that my mum and I absolutely loved :P It was called Lost in Austen (as in Jane Austen), and it gave me the idea for this fic. Lost In Austen's basically about an English chick who finds Elizabeth Bennett in her bathroom. They manage to accidentally switch places (through time and fiction!) and this chick finds herself falling for the hawt Mr Darcy and frets that she's gonna mess with the whole system if Mr Darcy falls for her too, which he does of course. It's a fangirltastic fun yarn!_

_Anyway, long story short, Real World Naruto gets unintentionally dragged in to the Ninja World. Now, I know how lots of peeps don't like surprises so a heads-up: pairing will be RealWorld!Naruto x NinjaWorld!Sasuke. Tell me you aren't curious :P_

_Enjoy :D_

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_**Lost In Kishimoto – Chapter 1**_

It was a Tuesday. It started out like any other Tuesday for Naruto in that he woke up. But on this particular Tuesday, that was where the normality stopped. The out of the ordinary began, Naruto thought, when he woke up to stare directly in to jet black eyes.

"Fucking hell," the jet black eyes said. "You sleep like the goddamn dead, Naruto."

And so, like any normal person would upon waking to find a stranger in their bedroom hovering over them, Naruto yelled and lashed out sending what appeared to be, on closer inspection, a boy his age sprawling.

Uzumaki armed himself with his table lamp before easing slowly toward the intruder, his adrenaline spreading around his body as the boy sat up, wiping a trickle of blood from his mouth with a slight grimace.

"You know, that really wasn't necessary."

Naruto blanched as the other spat blood on to his floor rug.

"Man, don't be flinging your blood around! You have any idea how bad that's gonna stain?!"

The intruder stared at Naruto for a moment before frowning, pulling himself to his feet with the help of the bedside table. "What the hell are you yelling at me for? You're the one who punched me, Uzumaki."

Naruto narrowed his eyes, glaring at the boy as he brandished his table lamp. "Who the hell are you, what are you doing in my dorm room, how the fuck did you get in and why do you know my name?!"

"You…don't know who I am?"

A flicker of confusion and a hint of worry crossed the other's face, causing Naruto to lower his weapon slightly. "Uh no. Look, you should definitely leave. Are you drunk or something? I can take you back to your own dorm if you tell me the number. Still, I'm pretty sure I locked my-"

"I don't live here," the intruder interrupted suddenly, his eyes darting around the room. "This doesn't seem right at all. I don't understand."

Naruto backed away somewhat, rather unsettled by the other teen's troubled expression. "Look man, you're sorta freaking me out. Is there someone you can call to come get you or something?"

"You're freaked out?!" the boy with the jet black eyes demanded, taking a step forward, his attention solely on Naruto. "You're asking me questions that I should be able to answer. I don't know where we are. I certainly don't know why I'm here. I don't recognise anything except you, and you don't know who the fuck I am!"

"Whoa, whoa, chill out, mate," Naruto returned his lamp to its rightful place, figuring he could hold his own against the other teen. "Don't work yourself up."

"Right, right," the intruder muttered, sitting on the edge of Naruto's bed distractedly. "There has to be a logical explanation."

"Fuck, make yourself at home why don'tcha," Naruto mumbled under his breath, crossing his arms as he glared.

The stranger seemed to be thinking deeply; elbows on knees with his hands clasped in front of his face, eyes closed in a pose that appeared rather practiced. Naruto took the opportunity to finally look at the other boy, noticing that his attire was a tad peculiar. Perhaps more than a tad.

For one, Uzumaki thought, ain't no one in their right mind would wear a puffy green vest over what looked to be an almost skin-tight dark blue body suit. This weird get up was accompanied by matching sandals. Sandals! Naruto stared at the odd footwear, wondering if they could really be classed as sandals; and yet they weren't quite shoes either. They're like…peep toes for men, he sniggered inwardly.

His gaze flicked to the bandages that appeared to be strapping some sort of container to the boy's upper right leg…and Naruto wondered why the hell the guy didn't use a backpack like a normal person, or the many pockets in the horrifying puffy vest. The finishing touch to the peculiar outfit was the black bandana with a metal plate attached to the front somehow, a strange mostly circular symbol etched carefully in the centre.

The boy himself was a bit of an oddity as well in Naruto's opinion. The lean and muscular frame revealed the teen was much fitter than average, and yet he apparently exercised in the dark if his almost unnatural paleness was anything to go by. His fair skin was made all the more obvious due to the contrasting pitch black hair that defied all sorts of gravity laws.

Upon completing his quick and thorough inspection of the intruder, Naruto really wished he hadn't put his table lamp down. He couldn't help but feel that this teen was capable of kicking his ass, and would likely have no qualms about carrying out said ass-kicking.

Naruto was slowly edging toward his dorm phone when black eyes shot open and pinned him.

"Your appearance is different."

"Huh?" Naruto replied eloquently, too relieved that the boy hadn't noticed his movement to really process the statement.

"The marks on your cheeks, they're gone."

Naruto frowned, remembering he was dealing with a crazy person. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"The marks!" the other teen barked, a hand pushing through his hair in frustration. "The fucking whisker scars that you've always had!"

Uzumaki shook his head slowly, moving a tad more urgently toward his phone. "I've never had marks on my face. Well I lie; I had a couple of pimples during high school but that's it. Ah, well I guess I'm still lying…I'm pretty sure I've got a couple of freckles on my nose. But, er, that's it."

The intruder tugged at his hair for a moment, clearly aggravated. "It's at least comforting to know that you're still an idiotic retard."

Naruto halted immediately, eyes blazing as he spun toward the other teen. "What the hell did you just call me, bastard?! You break in to my room and think it's a good idea to insult me?! How about you leave right this goddamn second!"

Naruto got the impression that his shouting at the guy seemed to calm and relax the intruder, which didn't make an awful lot of sense. He was more distracted by the two knives the teen seemed to pull out of nowhere and launch in his direction.

Naruto only just managed to dodge one while the other lodged itself rather securely in his left bicep. He stared at it for a second before the pain kicked his shock out of the way.

"Holy shit!" he screamed, eyes wide as they darted between the knife and the crazy person. "You just tried to kill me!"

The black-eyed teen raised an eyebrow and looked a little concerned. "You…aren't a shinobi?"

"A…a…_shinobi_?! What the absolute _fuck_ are you talking about?!"

Naruto didn't know what sort of steps you ought to take when faced with a homicidal insane bastard, and it was a little hard to think with the way blood seeped down his arm to drip on his carpet. He winced when he touched the knife tentatively, immediately dismissing the idea of yanking it out.

"Ah…" said the homicidal insane bastard. "Sorry. Though I don't know why you're fussing so much. Kyuubi will heal you in minutes."

Naruto snapped, gritting his teeth through the pain of having a _knife embedded in his arm_. "Oh. My. God. Get the fuck out of my room. I have no idea what the hell you have been yammering about but it's infinitely obvious that you are a total complete fucked up psycho. I'm calling the police."

Something in his expression must have registered through the craziness since the intruder took a cautious step backward. Naruto took the opportunity to leap for his dorm phone, but before he could punch in the emergency number the phone's shrill ring made him jump.

"Yes? Hello?" Uzumaki hollered down the line. "There's a goddamn crazy in my room trying to kill me!"

He ignored the apparently amused snort of said crazy, though became increasingly wary as the kooky teen moved closer.

"Naruto? What the hell are you yelling about?" yawned the caller. "Did you know your screaming woke me up? I can hear you through the wall."

"Nara!" he replied, irritated, relieved…and concerned as the intruder inspected the phone piece with a great deal of intrigue. "Did it occur to you that I might be under attack to be screaming so much? There's a dude in my room. Fucking weirdo! And he knifed me!"

"He knifed you?" Shikamaru repeated, sounding a little more awake and rather concerned. "He's still there and letting you use the phone? Do you know who he is? Did you know it's four o'clock in the morning? I should still be asleep, y'know."

Naruto floundered with too many questions and a crazy person leaning too close asking what the thing he was talking in to was called. "Yeah. Knife…in my arm. Still here. It's a fucking phone you psycho! Take a step back…you're freaking me out! Never seen him before in my life…dressed real strange too. I think he's gonna beat me to death with my phone."

Shikamaru sighed. "I'll be right over with my golf club."

"What! Don't you have something more lethal like a gun or something?! I'd feel much safer if you said you were coming with an actual weapon."

"Naruto, my follow through is so awesome it _is_ a weapon. See you in a moment."

The teen set the phone back in its cradle, edging away as the dark-eyed teen picked up the phone and held it against his ear.

He spoke in to the mouth piece. "Hello?"

Naruto stared. "…You've gotta key in the number of the person you want to call first."

"Ah, right," said the intruder, obviously confused and obviously trying to hide it. "So, do you know the number to call Kakashi?"

"I don't know who the hell you're talking about. I have a phone book if you want to look it up," Uzumaki offered, since he wanted the guy the fuck _out_.

"Oi, Naruto! Your door's locked!"

The teen jumped at Shikamaru's sudden yell, but leapt toward the door in a heartbeat. He was already shouting as he swung the door open.

"Look Nara! He fucking knifed me! I dodged one but he bloody threw two at me! Hell, just get him out of my-"

"Kunai?"

Naruto gaped at his friend, taking in his tousled hair and clothes as well as the promised golf club. "Huh?"

"_Kunai_," Shikamaru repeated firmly, staring at the knife in Uzumaki's arm. "How the hell did you get a kunai…"

Naruto didn't much like the peculiar expression on his friend's face, and he certainly didn't like the way Nara appeared somewhere between surprised and shocked as he stared over Naruto's shoulder.

"Uchiha…_Sasuke_?"

"…Shikamaru?"

Naruto stared at the pair. "You guys _know_ each other?!"

Shikamaru pushed past the gobsmacked boy. "What are you doing here?"

Naruto looked on in dismay as the crazy known as Sasuke made himself comfortable on his bed again.

"I have close to no idea."

"You're even wearing the Leaf uniform," Shikamaru mused, his golf club hanging in his hand loosely. "So you were accepted back in to the village?"

"Yeah," Sasuke replied quietly. "The Elders were easily convinced. Others-"

He darted a glance so fast to Naruto that Shikamaru almost missed it.

"-Others not so."

"Oh, what, don't tell me you were surprised by that?" Nara snorted, having never warmed to Uchiha…with good reason. "You tried to kill him, what, two-three times? You thought he'd always be tolerant of your complete stupidity? He wanted to bring you back but I think you were _very_ successful in severing your bond."

Naruto watched the exchange with as much interest as his bleeding arm allowed; his friend was getting worked up and he had never seen that happen. However, with what Shikamaru was saying, Naruto was becoming even more wary of the intruder.

Sasuke glared but Shikamaru lifted his chin, unaffected.

"I was young then," Uchiha dropped his glare to his clasped hands. "I made hasty decisions, and the curse seal…didn't help."

"Didn't help?" Nara repeated in disbelief. "From what I could see and the reports I read, it warped your mind."

Suddenly Sasuke was on his feet, fists clenched. "Then you might have an idea then of how it was so hard to remember that I didn't want him dead every time we met! Orochimaru's influence was stronger than I anticipated, stronger than Kakashi anticipated. I hadn't…I hadn't factored that in to my plans. It brings me only relief knowing that snake is dead."

"I'm sorta wondering," Naruto interrupted without preamble, his hand still trying to stem the blood seeping from his wound.

"I'm sorta wondering," he said again when he had the attention of his two guests, "how you two know each other. And I'm wondering how Sasuke - is it? - got in to my room when the door was locked, and was still locked when Shikamaru got here. And I'm wondering why you're talking about weird things like seals and killing people and elders and bonds. And I'm wondering if I lost so much blood that I'm seeing things because that guy just appeared out of thin fucking _air_."

Sasuke and Shikamaru's gaze followed Naruto's slightly shaky pointed finger to settle on a new addition to Naruto's dorm.

"And I'm sorta wondering," Naruto continued, "why the hell this guy looks exactly like me."

The two blonds obviously shared identical features, save for the strange whisker-like markings on the new Naruto's cheeks. Naruto v2.0 was also wearing a similar outfit to that of Sasuke, making it clear that Naruto's intruder had mistaken Naruto for this other Naruto.

Uzumaki closed his eyes for a moment. This situation was really making his brain melt.

"Shikamaru!" exclaimed v2.0. "Kami-sama, where the hell have you been?! You were presumed dead since your disappearance two years ago!"

"Funny," said Naruto curiously, a little vague from his blood loss. "That's about how long I've known you Nara."

Identical blue eyes stared at each other.

"I only made one clone," one muttered, puzzled. "And you're not a genjutsu."

"I'm not a fucking clone!" the other scowled back. "I was here first! Take this psychotic maniac back with you to wherever the fuck you came from!"

He jerked his head at Sasuke, wincing as his wound began to throb.

"This is freaking messed up," Naruto said, mostly to himself. "I must be dreaming. No nightmaring. Yeah. Makes sense. Why can't I dream of nice things like naked babes and mountains of money? I wonder what time it really is. I have a pop quiz for History so I better wake up on time. What the hell am I talking about? I'm in college now…I don't even do History. I don't feel so good."

Shikamaru made to move beside his friend, but the other Naruto was faster.

"I think he's going in to shock. I'll try using that calming jutsu Sakura-chan taught me."

Naruto, however, didn't want his lookalike anywhere near him. He danced out of v2.0's clutches, eyes wide.

"No, no, no! Don't you be touching me! If you touch me and you're real, then I'll feel it, and I'd rather not since I would prefer this to be a dream!"

Shikamaru tried placating his freaked friend, a little exasperated. "It's okay, Naruto. He won't hurt you, he just wants to help."

Naruto might have listened to his friend, but what happened next happened really fast.

He felt a slight tug and then Uzumaki was standing in a forest next to more people wearing the weird green-vest-skintight-blue outfit, his head spinning with disorientation. He was dismayed to spot another mirror image of himself, strange whisker marks and puffy vest outfit included.

"What the fuck?!" he yelled, gripping his injured arm.

The first person to move was a girl about his age with insanely pink hair, but other than that she was cute. Still, Naruto thought as she approached him, she was wearing the weird outfit and that equalled bad. What was worse, he decided, was the green glow around her hands as she made to touch his injury.

"What the hell do ya think you're doing?!" Uzumaki twisted away from the girl, eyes wide in alarm. "What the hell is wrong with your hands?! They're freakin' _glowing_!"

She stopped and stared at him with a frown before turning to Naruto v2.0. "Didn't you go after Sasuke yourself and leave a clone here?"

The mirror image nodded, his own brows drawn together as he stared at Naruto. "I'll dispel myself, though I seem to be acting strange."

Naruto watched, eyes impossibly wide, as his lookalike disappeared completely. He opened and closed his mouth a bit.

"W-where the hell did he go?" he managed eventually.

His comment seemed to bother the pink-haired girl, who turned to give some sort of meaningful glance to the two other people in the clearing. Naruto looked at them as well, deciding that he perhaps would rather deal with the girl than these two characters.

Squinting a little, Uzumaki was one hundred percent positive that the man with the spiky silver hair (he and Sasuke must use the same gel) was rather engrossed in R rated book porn. The other person was staring at him intently, but Naruto's eyes were drawn to this boy's outfit. He was sure that not even the girl's at college would show that much stomach. Gay, supplied Uzumaki's brain, absolutely flaming. He decided that the vest and skintight getup wasn't too bad after seeing this boy's outfit. He also wondered if this guy and the crazy bastard Sasuke were related, considering their shared paleness and dark hair.

Actually, compared to this boy, Sasuke had a rather nice tan.

"Hm," said a gruff voice at Naruto's ankles. "Definitely not a clone."

Uzumaki's eyes dropped to his feet to see a small pug dog sniffing him.

"It's not _our_ Naruto but it's definitely _a_ Naruto," continued the pug. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it seems like he isn't from our timeline."

"A…talking…dog..?" Naruto mumbled.

The porn-reading man snapped his book porn shut, clearly deciding to join the conversation. "A parallel world?"

"Possibly. I'd say that's where Sasuke and our Naruto are presently."

"A talking dog?" Naruto repeated, staring.

And then he fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

_Second chapter...surprising right, considering my track record ;-D_

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_**LiK – Chapter 2**_

Naruto opened his eyes slowly, waiting for the blurry edges of the world around him to sharpen so he could decide whether to panic or not.

"Maybe it was all just a bad dream," he told himself firmly.

This seemed viable since there was no pain where he had imagined he'd been stabbed by the insane bastard, though it didn't explain why he wasn't waking up in his dorm. He looked around the room he was in warily, relieved beyond words that he was still in the clothes he had worn to bed. It wasn't bare enough to be a hospital room, but didn't feel homey enough to be someone else's room.

A spare room maybe, Uzumaki thought as he climbed out of bed, making a beeline for the open window. It was sunny and warm, mid-morning Naruto supposed. Though a lot of things were wrong with the view from the window. First and foremost, it definitely wasn't any town Naruto had visited.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

Second, the clothing and people were unfamiliar somehow. He could see a fair few people wearing that green vest and blue outfit. Maybe it was a uniform, Uzumaki wondered. For what, he had no idea. And the clothing everyone else wore was different to what he was used to; Naruto couldn't see any of the latest fashions that were currently sweeping through his college. The garments he could discern from the window were colourful and varying, but nothing he had ever seen before.

"What the…" Naruto's gaze was pulled to an unbelievable sight.

Three blurs of green and blue were leaping across the roofs of the buildings, moving too fast for him to focus on what the blurs actually were. Then they paused suddenly and Naruto's jaw dropped open. The three women in the green and blue uniform seemed to have a quick conversation before continuing at a speed Uzumaki couldn't believe, even after witnessing it, jumping across gaps at least twenty feet wide between houses.

That, he told his brain, was impossible. Superman-movie-impossible. Scary-impossible. Don't-want-to-be-here-impossible. Let's-get-the-fuck-out-impossible.

Naruto started moving, judging the distance to the ground from the window would likely kill him so he scrapped that escape plan.

"We've gotta get out of this place," he sang under his breath as he crept across the room, "If it's the last thing we ever do."

He pushed the door open enough to peek out before letting it swing open, deciding the coast was clear. He sprinted toward what he hoped was the front door, halting involuntarily when a photo on a shelf caught his eye. He stared at the four people caught by the camera, recognising every single person in it.

The man with the silver hair was smiling, though it was hard to tell since Naruto could only see one of his eyes, and it was closed. But it _seemed_ like he was smiling. The photo must have been taken quite a few years ago as the three kids standing in front of the man looked about twelve. The girl with the pink hair was smiling happily, her hands near her face in an almost shy pose. Naruto thought she must have grown a fair bit, as the girl he met in the forest definitely didn't seem meek. And it seemed that the pink was natural as her eyebrows and lashes matched perfectly.

On each side of her was a boy, the man behind them resting a hand on their heads. It looked affectionate, but Naruto wondered if he was holding the boys in place, judging by their expressions. The dark haired boy was clearly a young Sasuke, glaring at the camera and looking generally unimpressed by everything. The other boy was Naruto, or his lookalike with the whiskers anyway. He was standing with his arms crossed defiantly and looked to be scowling at Sasuke.

Uzumaki stared at the photo for a little while longer before picking it up and turning the frame over. Opening it up, he read some scrawl on the back of the photo. It simply said 'Team Seven'. He put the photo back catching sight of another picture on the shelf.

This photo looked much more recent. It was Naruto's lookalike again, kissing the smiling and blushing pink-haired girl on the cheek. He looked down at their entwined hands to see matching rings. Married…_shit_, Naruto thought, he wasn't twenty for another few months but in another world he was already _married_ or _engaged_ or _something_. Or someone who looked like him anyway.

He stumbled backward, turned and sprinted for the door.

"We've gotta get out of this place," Uzumaki whispered, much more urgently.

He flung open the door and ran straight in to a green puffy vest, off of which he bounced rather painfully.

"Good morning Naruto! Can you smell the Springtime of Youth today? We will work hard to ensure that the Youth of tomorrow benefit from our always evolving techniques of today! You said there were some taijutsu skills you wanted to perfect with me so I am here to assist you on this glorious morning! Where would you like to train?"

Naruto leaned as far back as he could without falling over, scared for his life. All he could see was green and perfect straight white teeth that were audibly sparkling. The longer he stared though, the more that came in to focus around the green, and then Uzumaki was staring at a bowlcut over huge eyes framed by equally huge eyebrows.

There was, apparently, an outfit much worse than the flamingly gay, stomach-flaunting getup. Oh yes. _Much worse_.

A green skintight leotard.

On a man.

Naruto closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them a crack. The boy was still there, grinning at him brightly and giving him the thumbs up.

"Is that what you are training in?" the boy asked, taking in his clothing.

Naruto glanced down at his black singlet and grey sweat pants – the clothes he had slept in. "Er, yeah…I guess?"

"YOSH! Let us go and train!"

And then Naruto was flying down the road at an ungodly speed, being piggybacked by his new friend. Now, Naruto had never been piggybacked by another grown man before (or woman to be fair), and found the position rather awkward when he was actually larger than the person carrying him.

But Green Leotard Man was flying down the street like Uzumaki weighed no more than a backpack, so he settled for holding on for the sake of his life and not screaming like a prepubescent girl at the sheer speed of their movement. Within moments the pair had stopped in a huge clearing, several people dotted around who, Naruto assumed, were training.

Training, Uzumaki realised as he climbed off of Leotard Man, was apparently short for Doing Impossibly Amazing And Awfully Dangerous Feats.

The ground shook slightly as a pair of boys younger than Naruto 'trained' nearby. One boy was somehow making enough water to fill a swimming pool move through the air toward his opponent, who was making the ground rise up like a wall to block the attack. Naruto stared as they fought each other with the earth and water around them, using nothing but weird signals with their hands to perform such acts that he would've thought impossible. The two boys congratulated each other on their chakra control, whatever the hell _that_ was, and Uzumaki's gaze was torn to a boy running toward him with a huge grin and yelling his name.

The kid looked about fifteen or so, and was the most normal person he had seen so far. He was even dressed fairly casual, save for the peep toe sandals everyone seemed to wear.

"Naruto!" the boy shouted, even as he drew up in front of Naruto. "I wanna show you what Ebisu-sensei taught our team this week! It's so awesome!"

"Hi Lee," the kid added to Green Leotard Man. "Gai-sensei was looking for you and Neji for a mission or something. I saw him outside the Academy."

Lee saluted. "Thank you for that information, Konohamaru! I am extremely sorry, Naruto, but we will have to train another time. Enjoy the rest of this glorious day my friends!"

Naruto wasn't all that sad about seeing Lee go, and so quickly turned his attention to his new company, Konohamaru. Uzumaki clearly wasn't expected to make small talk as the boy was moving his hands through a number of complicated looking signals before inhaling and-

"Holy shit!" Naruto yelled, jumping backward to avoid the ball of flame that burst from Konohamaru's mouth.

The boy wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, giggling at the older teen's reaction. "Cool, huh! Thought you'd be surprised! See I always thought that the Uchiha clan were the only ninja who could do fire breathing jutsu, but Ebisu-sensei told us that other shinobi can still learn limited fire techniques, and he's been teaching-"

"Konohamaru," Naruto interrupted, eyes wide. "That was…_amazing_!"

The boy flushed at his praise, grinning from ear to ear. "Yeah?"

"Hell yeah!" Uzumaki encouraged, leaning forward. "What else can you do?"

Konohamaru looked beyond pleased with Naruto's interest. "You wanna see what else I've been learning?"

"Of course!" Naruto waved his arms around, now getting a tad excited about all the awesome things that surrounded him in this place. "Everything!"

And at about this moment, Naruto forgot he was trying to escape, and not a second later he remembered…because striding across the training area toward him was Naruto v2.0. Whisker marks and puffy green vest included at no extra cost.

"I've been looking everywhere for you," the other Naruto growled. "I step out for five minutes and you've disappeared!"

Uzumaki took a step back; his lookalike was twitchy with anger and possibly relief.

Konohamaru looked between them. "You _lost_ your clone?"

"I'm not a goddamn clone!"

The younger boy stared at him, before turning his gaze to v2.0. "Your clone has gone _rogue_?! I didn't even know that could happen!"

"Talk to you later, bro," said lookalike Naruto, before grabbing Uzumaki's arm and making a weird sign with one hand.

Next thing Naruto knew, his nose was practically nestled between the most enormous breasts he had ever seen.

All the transporting business was rather awesome, but would be much more awesome, Naruto thought, if he had some control of it. He scooted backwards, he valued his life _thankyouverymuch_, and looked up to meet the gaze of the owner of the huge bosom.

"Uh," Uzumaki managed in the face of the scariest woman he had ever met. "That wasn't my fault. It was his…uh…you know…the other Naruto's fault."

"Calm down, Uzumaki. She isn't going to hurt you."

Naruto spun toward the voice, relief flooding through him at having something familiar in all of the strangeness. "Shikamaru! What the hell's going on?"

Shikamaru only shook his head slightly, and faced the scary woman in an almost upright and dignified manner. It took a few moments for Naruto to realise his friend was standing at attention, like this woman with the humongous breasts was an important person or something. And then he noticed that Shikamaru had changed clothes somewhere between Sasuke invading his dorm and passing out, and was now wearing the puffy vest over an outfit Naruto was sure he'd seen him wear before.

Uzumaki jumped and swore a little when the leader woman slammed her fist to capture everyone's attention, eyeing the deep dent she had put in her _steel_ desk with an excusable amount of trepidation. He was becoming even more aware that the people in this place were potentially dangerous, and he glanced at Shikamaru wondering about the sort of impossible feats his friend could do.

"Reporting to duty after an unexpected absence, Hokage-sama," Shikamaru said, a slight smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Indeed," the woman cocked her head to the side, ruining her professional front by leaking a wide grin for a moment. "I'm sure your parents were pleased to learn of your return."

"Hah, troublesome," the teen rolled his eyes to the ceiling, but there was no mistaking the smile he wore. "Not home for even ten minutes and Mum was trying to introduce me to 'the lovely girl next door who's at perfect marrying age'."

"Report."

Naruto watched as Shikamaru gave a casual salute before relaxing his stance once more, a little bothered that his friend obviously belonged here.

"About two years ago I was on the way home from a solo C-rank and accidentally stumbled across what must have been an invisible door, so to speak, between our world and Naruto's. I tried to get back but, what with the whole being invisible issue, I couldn't find the door again. Also I'm assuming that these doors close and open in places randomly because I've been in Naruto's dorm room plenty of times and there was never a door there before today."

Hokage-sama frowned (was that her name, Naruto wondered, it seemed strange). "So your trip to this other world was pure luck, as was Sasuke and Naruto's this morning?"

"Hmm," Shikamaru darted a quick look at Naruto, who was getting a little confused since no one was bothering to differentiate between him and his lookalike. "A plausible theory could be that these doors occur around this other world's Naruto to link to our Naruto somehow but yes, it seems to be luck that they are used at all."

The scary woman mulled over this thoughtfully before turning to Sasuke, who Naruto was shocked to discover was even present. He did a quick sweep of the room, noticing that the pink-haired woman, the porn-reading man and the stomach-flaunting guy were standing at the back inconspicuously, as well as another man Uzumaki had never seen before.

The unknown was rather intimidating; the tall built man seemed to be observing Naruto's every move, his piercing gaze all the more disconcerting with the numerous scars that littered his face. Naruto spun to face forward again, a prickle of unease running up his spine to let him know that the man was still watching him.

"…to the village after training with Team Kakashi," Sasuke was saying, "when I was suddenly in an unfamiliar room-"

"_My_ room," Naruto felt the need to add.

Sasuke barely paused at the interruption. "Naruto, or who I thought was Naruto, was asleep so I woke him up-"

"Which I did _not_ appreciate and reacted accordingly."

This time Sasuke's eye twitched. "It was quickly established that I didn't seem to be in our world anymore let alone Konoha and then Naruto appeared. I assume he followed me through the invisible gateway."

Naruto glared at the dark-haired teen. "I don't much like how you glossed over the part where you _tried to kill me_."

Uzumaki couldn't help but feel uncomfortable as the room seemed to be immediately suffocating with tension, everyone staring at Sasuke who was doing a pretty bang-up job of pretending not to notice.

"Sasuke," said the woman, and Naruto was sure that if she had used that voice on him he would have cried.

But Sasuke only moved slightly with a sort of full body twitch before answering. "I was somewhat confused by the unfamiliarity of the place and did the first thing that occurred to me to check Naruto was Naruto."

"By…throwing kunai at him?" the pink-haired girl commented from the back of the room, her voice rising with disbelief. "His wound was clearly caused by a thrown kunai."

"In that sort of situation, it seems that the normal and logical choice of action would be to ask the person a question that only they would know the answer to," the stomach-flaunting guy said, a huge smile plastered on his face which Naruto had the feeling was one hundred percent fake. "Logically."

The pink-haired girl mumbled something which, to Naruto, sounded suspiciously like "When has Sasuke ever done the normal, logical thing?" and, judging from Sasuke's stiff posture, the kooky Uchiha guy heard it too. He felt a bit bad for the guy then, and thought he better set the record straight.

"Well only one knife koon-eye thing got me," Naruto said fairly, inspecting the place where he remembered being stabbed. "Er, well, I thought it hit me…there's no mark so…anyway, the crazy bastard was spouting shit about shinbo or something and how kibby would heal me and other shit that didn't make any sense."

"_Shinobi_," Sasuke corrected at the same time the up until now silent Naruto v2.0 said, "_Kyuubi_."

The pair glanced at each across Naruto, and it felt like the suffocating tension faded to be replaced by awkward silence.

"…Yeah, well, _anyway_…I thought I should clear that up…I guess I was being a little melodramatic," Naruto finished, offering a weak nervous chuckle as the atmosphere of the room didn't improve.

"Uh, so, anyway," he shuffled his feet and darted a quick glance at the rather inviting exit. "…If I could be leaving and getting the fuck out of here..?"

Shikamaru sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "I'm afraid that isn't possible."

"…What..?"

Surprisingly, it was the kooky Uchiha who explained. "The gateway between our worlds seemed to close and disappear moments after we all got back through. If Shikamaru's theory about the gateways is sound in that they only form around you to connect to the Naruto of Konoha, I don't see any way for you to get back since, well, both of you are here now."

Naruto stared at his crazy intruder for a second before shifting his bewildered glare to Shikamaru. "Why the hell are we placing so much weight on _your_ theory? Actually, don't answer that…considering you sleep through all our lectures and pass the course top of the class without even trying…bastard. But what the fuck am I supposed to _do_? I'm in some strange place where people move too fast to see and move water and earth with the flick of a wrist and could _kill_ me because I look like a dude who can do all that shit and this is so fucked up despite how cool some of it is!"

Hokage-sama gestured the scary unknown man at the back of the room to step forward. "Ibiki."

Naruto panicked a little as Ibiki slapped a hand down on his shoulder and steered him out of the room. "H-hey!"

Shikamaru said something, Naruto didn't catch it but he sounded concerned, which did little to stem his panic. A moment later and Hokage-sama's voice followed them out.

"Morino, he's not a ninja so interrogate him accordingly."

_Interrogate..?!_ Uzumaki put together what he understood that to mean in regard to the numerous police dramas he had seen on TV with what he knew of this world, as well as adding the scarred guy to the mix.

He didn't like the image.

In fact, it scared the absolute _shit_ out of him. So as soon as the hand on his shoulder relaxed its grip even minutely, Naruto bolted.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you to everyone who has commented, faved and watched this fic so far, it's very encouraging :-D_

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_**LiK – Chapter 3**_

Naruto plastered himself to the wall, keeping his breathing as quiet as possible.

It was, he discovered, rather hard to escape a building he had never been in before…and it wasn't like he had arrived through the front door in the first place.

It had worked in his favour that he looked practically identical to the other Naruto, who was apparently rather well-liked and respected, but that didn't do much to hide his totally freaked expression and lack of proper reaction to people who clearly thought they knew him. Uzumaki had soon ducked down a hallway that looked pretty much the same as the dozen or so he'd ran along earlier, hiding in a room full of shelves crammed with dusty scrolls.

The room didn't look like it had been used for quite a while, but that hardly guaranteed his hiding spot hidden.

Of course, now that Naruto had paused in his escape, he was kind of wondering about the point of said escape. Shikamaru was a genius so if he said there wasn't any way to get back home, Uzumaki was inclined to believe him. Which left him to deal with surviving in a really awesome but fucking scary place like here…wherever _here_ was.

Naruto stopped to think about any downsides there could be to being stuck in this place, because there weren't any real disadvantages to not being in Japan; he didn't have any family, and the only friend he'd call a friend was Shikamaru. And again, all he could come up with were the points he had yelled in Hokage-sama's room that mainly concerned his longevity and well-being.

Uzumaki was fast warming to the idea of staying, ignoring the recent threat of interrogation, and thought about how brilliant it would be if they could teach him how to do the amazing things they did here.

And then he jumped when the door to his hiding spot flew open and Sasuke sighed, a hand on his hip and staring down the hall.

"How the hell did you get away from Ibiki?"

"Um," said Naruto, "I legged it."

The other teen looked at him. "You know you're stuck here."

"Yeah, I figured…er, where _is_ here anyway?"

"Konoha. Hidden village. Fire Country."

Naruto stared at Sasuke. "Your country is called _Fire_..?"

The crazy Uchiha raised a brow. "I suspect that will be the least of your culture shock issues."

"You can say that again," he sighed, before returning the other teen's gaze thoughtfully. "And it sort of seems to me that you may have been better off staying in my world, what with all the _love_ everyone here reserves for you."

"That's not really something you ought to say to someone," Sasuke returned, one side of his mouth pulled down in a tight frown. "Rude. Could get you hurt here too."

"Hurt?" Naruto echoed, a little incredulous. "Is that a _threat_? You're obviously not deaf, dumb and blind so it's kind of hard for me to swallow the notion that you don't notice how people seem to treat you like you might break out screaming and killing and cutting or something. You tried to kill the Naruto here a couple of times is what Shikamaru said, and you hardly denied it. Why the hell aren't you in prison or rehab or something?"

The kooky Uchiha was silent for a long while, expressionless as he stared at nothing in particular.

"Well," he said eventually, voice pitched low, "it's not any of your business, and people are entitled to whatever opinion of me they want to keep. I _tried_ to fix things but it's hard when people seem to really want to cling on to the past, ignoring everything else. I don't give any excuses and there's no use explaining to you anyway. I don't even know why I'm wasting my breath."

Sasuke quickly spun on his heel and disappeared from the doorway with a dark scowl. Naruto chased after him immediately, catching up and walking beside the other teen, ignoring the not so subtle glare that was shot his way.

"I bet," said Naruto, "that you haven't even built up the balls to say sorry."

Sasuke stopped so fast his bangs blew forward before settling. "…Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Uzumaki kind of wondered about five minutes ago whether it was a smart idea to goad someone like the homicidal bastard in a place like Konoha, but decided to hell with it. "You tried to kill some guy a few times and somehow you've been let off. Don't you think the least you could do is pluck up the balls to fucking apologise?"

Sasuke spoke through gritted teeth and curled fists. "Where the _fuck_ do you get off lecturing me about something you know _nothing_ about?!"

Naruto scoffed. "Don't try to pull that card. Nothing's worth killing someone over."

"…He raped my sister."

Uzumaki's expression changed immediately and he leaned forward, eyes blazing. "Where is he?! Let's smoke the fucker!"

Sasuke only leaned back and rolled his eyes, but seemed to relax somewhat. "I don't have a sister, you hypocritical _retard_."

"…You bastard."

"…I had an older brother though," Sasuke continued quietly, walking down the hall once more.

Naruto kept up because he sure as hell knew that this sounded like _the_ story. And he certainly didn't miss the way Sasuke said 'had'.

"He killed my entire clan, only sparing me."

"What the fuck, man?! Even your parents..?" Naruto shook his head, eyes wide when Sasuke repeated his fucked up statement.

"Since I was seven, I swore I would avenge my family by tracking him down and taking his life," the teen frowned like he wasn't sure why he speaking, but shrugged slightly and continued. "When I killed him, I found out that he was supposed to have killed me too…but couldn't. His murder of my clan wasn't without reason either…they were planning on overthrowing Konoha. In reality, my brother averted a war."

"That's really…" Naruto floundered for the right words, "…fucked up."

"Hmn," Sasuke murmured noncommittally.

Uzumaki squinted as he thought, glancing at the other teen out of the corner of his eye. "So where does the Naruto here come in to all this..?"

Sasuke shoved his hands in to his pockets as they walked. "…He used to be my best friend."

When no more was said, Naruto poked the kooky Uchiha in the arm. "Yeah, okay…_and_..?"

"Shut the hell up," Naruto was amazed that the tone didn't match the words. "I've told you more than enough as it is."

Uzumaki chuckled. Fair enough, he thought, but stopped dead when they rounded a corner. Right across the hall was Hokage-sama's office. Naruto looked at Sasuke.

"Are you telling me that I spent fifteen minutes running around this frickin' building only to come full circle and hide just down the hall?"

Sasuke smirked. "You can't possibly think we didn't know where you were. Even though you aren't a ninja, we can still sense your chakra. And you're the only unfamiliar chakra in this building."

Naruto huffed. "What the hell is _chakra_ anyway?"

Sasuke stared at him before shaking his head and continuing to walk back to the Hokage's office. "No. No _way_. I am _not_ giving you a lesson on academy level nin knowledge. Ask someone else."

"...Academy..?" Naruto wondered aloud, before racing to catch up, enthusiasm rising. "You mean like a _school_?! I could learn to move water and ground and run Superman fast and shoot fire from my mouth?!"

Sasuke's gaze was quickly pinning him. "Who did you see perform a fire jutsu?"

"Oh, uh, whatzizname, Konohamaru," Naruto brightened even further as he remembered something. "Hey! He said what he did was only a limited fire jizzy-"

"_Jutsu_. God, _please_ don't go around saying jizzy."

"-and that your clan could do way more awesome jizzy-"

"_Jutsu_. Fuck. _Jutsu_, you retard."

It was a moment before Sasuke realised he was being stared at with pleading eyes.

"Fuck off. I am _not_ teaching you any clan techniques."

Naruto grinned hugely. "No, no, that's cool. I just wanna _see_."

"I'm not wasting my time and chakra on that."

Naruto deflated and scowled, mumbling. "Geez, it's no wonder people just _love_ you."

Sasuke glared hard before roughly shoving Naruto through the Hokage's open door. "Here he is."

The woman with the gigantic bosom scowled at Naruto, before waving some paperwork at the silver-haired man. "Naruto is being released to Team Kakashi's custody. At all times he will be accompanied by at least one of you until we can get this sorted out or reach a more permanent and satisfactory arrangement."

Naruto spluttered. "Custody?! Like, I'm under arrest until further notice?!"

"It's for your own protection," the woman motioned shooing them out of her office. "Now get out."

Seconds later and standing in the corridor, Naruto was hardly welcomed to the team with open arms. Sasuke was ignoring him, but that didn't seem to be particularly personal since he seemed to be ignoring the rest of this Team Kakashi.

The stomach-flaunting guy didn't appear overly affected by the sudden development, but he introduced himself as Sai and asked if Naruto's dick was as small as the other Naruto's. Neither of the Narutos were impressed, but Sai didn't seem bothered as he produced a sketch book from somewhere and began drawing.

The pink-haired girl stared at him and looked away, then stared at him again. Naruto wondered if it would be classed as cheating if someone slept with their partner of a different timeline...he also wondered if the girl had considered this too. Still, her hair was _way_ too pink to even seriously think about it. But she shook his hand quickly as she told him her name, "Sakura Haruno", before standing close to this world's Naruto.

Naruto v2.0 himself grinned, but it faded fast and he appeared to be watching Naruto closely. Probably the way he was watching _him_ actually; trying to figure out exactly how freakishly alike they were and how weird this might get.

The older man with silver hair was staring at him, and had been for quite some time now. At Naruto's raised brow he shook his head.

"Haha, no, it's just you look so much like Min-" the man quickly shook his head again as he cut himself off. "Naruto. You look so much alike, it's uncanny. I'm Kakashi Hatake, your new sensei!"

"This team's named after you?"

Kakashi grinned...as much as Uzumaki could tell. "Cool right?"

"Right," Naruto glanced at the other Naruto before crossing his arms and kicking at the ground, uncomfortable. "So...what's gonna happen to me?"

Kakashi pulled out his book porn once more and made his way along the hall, the rest of the team falling in to step behind him out of habit and Uzumaki following suit. "Well, I'm assuming you have no money?"

"Man, all I've got are the clothes I'm wearing and hey look, no shoes. Fucked up events don't usually give you time to pack a suitcase and change your bank details."

"We'll help you out some," Kakashi continued. "But you need employment."

Naruto brightened. "Sure, so I'll do whatever you guys do. Um...what is it _exactly_ that you guys do?"

Sasuke glanced at him and smirked. "There's no way _you_ can do what _we_ do."

Before Naruto could object, Kakashi was agreeing.

"I'm afraid our line of work requires certain abilities and skills that you don't possess. Though I'm sure Iruka-sensei could help you find a job. But we'll talk about that later. Right now we should consider where you will live while you are in Konoha."

"Can I room with Shikamaru?" Naruto asked immediately, thinking of his only real friend in all of this newness.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Sakura laughed, though not unkindly. "Shikamaru is likely living with his parents again considering he's in the same sort of situation as you. And anyway, Hokage-sama says one of us should be with you at all times."

Ugh, thought Naruto, _awkward_. He didn't know any of these people and he'd have to live with one of them. Putting off his living arrangements a moment longer, he asked what was likely to be the first of a great many questions.

"So this Hokage lady with the huge- uh- _office_ is like the president of Konoha or something?"

This world's Naruto looked at him quizzically. "President?"

"Mm, like your chief, leader, big boss, you know?"

Sakura nodded enthusiastically, smiling at her husband? Fiancé? "Tsunade-sama is the leader of Konoha. Naruto here is next in line for the position."

His lookalike grinned under the acknowledgement, flushing slightly. "I've been training for years. It's a huge honour."

Naruto remembered the gigantic stack of paperwork on the Hokage's desk. It had the look of the sort of pile that never ended. But hey, who was he to say the job looked incredibly boring compared to all the rest of the cool stuff he had witnessed so far. Maybe the Hokage got a company car or something. And then he considered the fact that Naruto was his age and he was only nineteen...this place wouldn't be so irresponsible as to put a _teenager_ in such an important leadership position, would they?

"So what exactly is it that you all _do_?" Naruto asked once more, desperately curious.

"As a team, we carry out missions for the Hokage and the village," Kakashi glanced up briefly from his book. "We each have unique abilities and together we are Team Kakashi."

Naruto stifled a giggle and the Captain Planet theme song. "So this team is named after...you, yes? What happened to Team Seven?"

This was apparently the wrong thing to say as a blanket of tension suddenly stifled the group. Open mouth, insert foot, Naruto mused as he pretended to ignore the atmosphere.

"Ah, well," Sakura began, building confidence as she continued. "How did you know about Team Seven?"

"I saw a picture of you guys, looked to be a few years old," Naruto answered carefully. "Though Sai wasn't in it."

"I was never a part of Team Seven," Sai explained distractedly, still sketching as the group followed Kakashi out of the building in to the midday sunlight.

Clearly changing the subject, Sakura turned to Kakashi. "I'm assuming we won't be completing missions for a while."

"Mmm," the man replied, snapping his book closed and stowing it away in a pouch at his hip. "Well I leave Naruto in your capable hands."

And he disappeared.

"You know," said Naruto to the air which had replaced Kakashi. "That is so awesome but really quite rude."

"Naruto," Sai murmured as he continued to sketch and walk and how did he even _do_ that, Uzumaki wondered. "You can stay at my place."

"Sure. Thanks," Naruto was going to say, but didn't get the chance.

"Actually, I was thinking he could stay at the Uchiha Compound."

Everyone stared at Sasuke, who shifted slightly under the sudden scrutiny. Uzumaki got the feeling this invitation was unexpected to everyone, including Sasuke. Not to mention since he'd known the crazy Uchiha, he'd been stabbed when left alone with him.

Judging by Sasuke's personality, Naruto could see there was quite a real possibility of that happening again.

"Well there's more room there," Sasuke said to the silence. "And the compound is more central to the village than Sai's."

Naruto wasn't even sure why that would matter.

"I was talking to the other Naruto actually," Sai smiled. "Sakura probably wants some alone time with this new Naruto to do a comparison of their ability in the-"

Sai teleported about a millisecond before Sakura's fist squashed his fake smile, and Uzumaki was kind of sad about that because he was curious to see how hard the girl could hit. Not curious enough to test it himself though.

In any case, he turned to Sasuke while the other Naruto alternated between cussing out Sai and placating a rather scary Sakura. "Is it really okay if I stay at your house or compound or whatever?"

Sasuke nodded.

Naruto glanced at the remaining two members of Team KaCrazy before shrugging. "Lead the way."

"Hey," he said after a moment as they walked. "Is Sai's fascination with Naruto's dick some sort of homo thing?"

"...Who knows when it comes to Sai."

"Huh. And what would've happened if Sakura actually _did_ hit him?"

"His brain would have exploded out of his nose and ears."

"Really?!"

Sasuke stared at him. "...No, _fuck_. You're such a retard."

Naruto sighed. "You're such a bastard and your sense of humour sucks majorly. I'd hit you again but now I'm pretty sure I only got you last time due to the element of surprise."

Sasuke 'hmmed' and Naruto was becoming a little concerned that his safety was entirely in this crazy guy's hands. And wasn't it an awful oversight that he was in the care of someone who was _known_ to have homicidal tendencies..?

Naruto wondered if he'd survive the afternoon.


	4. Chapter 4

_I wanted so desperately to write something, as I haven't for sooooo long D': Turned out to be the next chapter of Lost in Kishimoto, which I wasn't expecting._

_Sasuke and Real World Naruto get to know each other a little better._

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_**LiK - Chapter 4**_

Naruto could only think of two words to describe the Uchiha compound: Fucking Creepy.

It seemed to be a chunk of the village reserved solely to make passersby feel the need to whisper and speed up until they were well clear of the area. Naruto didn't really know the details of what happened there - it made sense that the compound was the location of the mass murder of Sasuke's family - but the condition of the houses told more than he wanted to know. There were windows boarded closed and roofs sagging with neglect and far too many old rusty bloodstains.

Jeezus, Naruto thought with mounting unease, there were at least twenty or so houses...how many people- He jerked away from _that_ thought immediately. Instead he wondered why someone had bothered to board the windows...no sane person would wander in to the district willingly.

Naruto paused at that to question his own mental state, and walked as close to Sasuke as he dared without giving away that he was _maybealittle_ freaked. And god, the crazy bastard _lived_ here...and wow, perhaps _that_ explained a lot, Naruto decided.

"Sasuke," he whispered, darting a glance around when his hushed voice still sounded too loud. "Have you thought about, you know, living _somewhere else_?"

"No. Why?"

"Oh, just a thought."

Naruto knew which house Sasuke lived in without needing it pointed out...it was the only liveable looking building and had a relieving lack of bloodstains...likely scrubbed away, Naruto thought, because it sure as hell made sense that Sasuke's family were killed in their home.

...Another tick against why Sasuke was homicidally insane, Uzumaki figured.

As Naruto followed Sasuke toward the house he realised that despite the whole being stabbed by him thing, and that Sasuke had tried to kill this world's Naruto – and had, in fact, killed his own brother – Naruto felt more comfortable with the bastard than anyone else on the Team. This thought struck him as particularly fucked up. He had clearly been in Sasuke's presence too long and decided craziness must be communicable.

But it would've been plain weird to hang out with Kakashi when the man was like the team leader or teacher, and based on Sai's inappropriate sex-related quips, Naruto didn't feel entirely at ease with the artist.

As well spending time alone with Sakura could raise all sorts of problems, but hanging out with someone who looked exactly the same with similar mannerisms was really wacked.

Seeing his look alike kind of ruined the whole "I am unique" feeling of individualism. Not that it wasn't interesting, but at the moment Uzumaki needed a break from shit turning his world upside down.

And taking a tour of Sasuke's house was a good distraction from all that had happened. Though Sasuke's tour had consisted of opening a few doors and saying "Bathroom. _Don't_ touch my things", "My room. _Don't_ come in here for _any_ reason", "Kitchen. Make sure you clean up after yourself", "Living room. _Don't_ wear shoes in here", "You can use this room".

It went without saying that Uchiha was a terrible tour guide, but he made for a surprisingly good host. He gave Naruto a clean towel and a set of clothes to wear in the meantime, as well as a fresh toothbrush, then wrinkled his nose.

"I don't know when you last bathed, but it wasn't recently. Go and shower."

Well, Naruto amended as he closed the bathroom door and kicked off his sweat pants, Sasuke was an _okay_ host. And to spite him, Uzumaki used Sasuke's body wash instead of the soap. Though all animosity was fast forgotten when Naruto followed his nose to the kitchen, suddenly very much aware that he hadn't eaten since the day before.

"God, _yum_! That smells _awesome_!"

"On the stove," Sasuke was sitting at a traditional low table on his knees, eating whatever the hell smelled so delicious and reading a book with tiny writing.

Naruto instantly made a beeline for the stovetop, looking down with barely suppressed delight at-

"...Instant...ramen...?"

Naruto glanced at what Uchiha was eating to confirm that yes, instant ramen _wasn't_ the delicious smell. Well, Naruto amended as he took the bowl waiting on the bench and served himself _instant ramen_, Sasuke was a _shit_ host.

He set his bowl down at the table with a louder than necessary thunk, pleased when Sasuke's eye twitched slightly.

"I don't mean to be rude," Naruto began rather pleasantly, "but why the fuck do I get cup noodles while you get -what the hell _are_ you eating?"

"Traditional pork stirfry."

Naruto was aghast and a little offended. "You gave me cardboard and beef flavoured water and you get -you get fucking _pork stirfry_?! What, you don't want me eating your food?! Ok, I suppose I get that since I can't exactly pay you back or anything at the moment, but shit I can clean up or someth-"

"You...don't like instant ramen?"

Naruto seemed to have captured Sasuke's full attention, but Naruto was more concerned about the confused frown the kooky bastard was sporting.

"What?" Naruto exclaimed as he threw his hands at his unappetising three-minute meal. "Do _you_ like instant ramen? If you fucking like it so much then I'll swap you!"

Sasuke moved his hands somewhat protectively around his bowl but continued to stare. "I don't like instant ramen."

Naruto gripped his head in his hands a little desperately. "Oh my god then why do you have the stuff in your cupboard?"

"Because Naruto-"

Sasuke cut himself off and it all made sense to Uzumaki. Sasuke wanted him around because he thought he was Naruto. Well, he was of course, but not...Naruto sighed and flopped down to sit at the table.

"Look, I'm not Naruto ok?" he said, subdued and annoyed. "Well, I am, but I'm not the guy you want me to be so -so don't think I can be. I don't like instant ramen. I don't like pink hair. I don't have weird-ass whisker things on my face."

He looked up to glare at Sasuke. "I look like him and I'm sure he's real swell but I'm not that guy, so let's fucking get that straight right now."

He picked up a pair of chopsticks and stabbed them in to his food ferociously, then pushed the bowl away with a huff after remembering it was beef flavoured cardboard strips. Naruto eyed the pork stirfry again but looked up when Sasuke spoke.

"What is your favourite food then?"

Naruto stomach growled at the thought of it. "Mmm pizza. Or maybe spaghetti and meatballs. No definitely pizza."

Sasuke cocked a brow as he continued to eat. "Pizza?"

Naruto was momentarily horrified. "You've never heard of pizza?! Agh...I'll make it for you sometime!"

Sasuke shrugged. "Favourite colour?"

"Hmmm, blue."

"Not orange then?"

"What the fuck, man? I fucking said blue."

"Career goal?"

Naruto scrunched up his nose at the question. "Er, well I don't really know. I mean, I was studying Economics at college but I have no idea what I wanna do really."

"Hobbies?"

"Jeezuz, this is worse than a first date!" Naruto declared, debating whether it was worth losing his hand to steal some stirfry. "I guess I like normal guy stuff like computer games, hanging out and masturbating."

Sasuke cocked a brow, pushing his bowl to the side. "Computer games?"

"Hey are you gonna eat the rest of that?" Naruto didn't wait for an answer and stole the left over stirfry with almost ninja-like speed. "Wow, this is awesome! You're a fucking good cook, Sasuke!"

The kooky bastard looked suspiciously pleased but a little uncomfortable by the compliment. Naruto chewed thoughtfully, watching the small splash of colour fade from Sasuke's cheeks. How often did Sasuke hear something nice said about him, he wondered.

"Hm, anyway, computer games are, well, games you play on the computer?" Naruto didn't need to look up from his food to know he was being glared at. "Jeez, I dunno how to explain it."

"Hm," said Sasuke, moving on. "And masturbating? Is that another unexplainable activity?"

Naruto sprayed his mouthful across the table and proceeded to stare incredulously at the other boy. "Are you fucking with me?"

"I am _not_ fucking with you," Sasuke was looking at his table with obvious disgust. "You can clean that up, loser. Gross."

"Um," Naruto tried. "You know, jerking off?"

Sasuke's brow furrowed. "Jerking..? What?"

"Er, how to say...beating the meat?"

"What?"

"Cleaning the pipes?"

"...I'm not sure what-"

"Cranking the love pump?"

"Are we still talking about your hobbies?"

"Jerkin' the gherkin?"

"...I'm quite certain you're being a moron."

"Polishing the pole?"

"You're using euphemisms for..._something_."

"Shaking the sausage? I'm beginning to think I can do this for hours."

"..."

"Slapping the purple-headed yoghurt pistol?"

Sasuke visibly blanched. "That sounds disgusting."

"Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation?"

"..."

Naruto grinned, knowing Sasuke would understand _this_ one. "Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion?"

It took a moment, but Sasuke finally Got It. He jerked back from the table as though slapped.

"What the _fuck_?" he almost yelled, a nice shade of scarlet rising in his cheeks once more.

Naruto, while admittedly finding Sasuke's reaction _highly_ amusing, thought it was a little over the top.

"Are you telling me you don't masturbate?" he asked, genuinely curious, still grinning.

"Of course not!" Sasuke shot back, his flush fading quickly.

Naruto was immediately inclined to call him a flaming fat _liar_, but Sasuke continued quickly.

"When I was young, my older brother told me that if you touched your dick too much, you'd go blind. As our bloodline relied heavily on..."

Naruto couldn't help it. He fell in to hysterics. Sasuke was going to kill him, oh god he was, but it was just too innocently hilarious.

"No, _no_, you've gotta be pulling my leg, you bastard," Naruto gasped for breath, smothering stray giggles after catching sight of Sasuke's expression. "You're telling me you've _never_ played with yourself? Not for fun or stress relief?"

"No," he said, obviously fucking irritated.

"And no one has ever talked to you about it?"

Of course they haven't, Naruto thought. Sasuke lost his family and everyone would've just thought that sex stuff was something the boy would pick up somehow with his mates.

And Sasuke was probably-

"You're a virgin!"

Sasuke lifted his chin. "And? So?"

Naruto smiled, continuing with Sasuke's leftover dinner. "No, that's cool. Awesome really. I respect that."

"Good."

"Um, but," Naruto added around a mouthful of noodles. "You _do_ know now that masturbating isn't going to make you blind, right?"

Sasuke sighed, folding his arms over the table and slouching a little. "I suspected as much."

"And yet you still haven't done it!"

Naruto just shook his head at the other boy's slight shrug, but then looked at him slyly.

"You know, it's _heeeeaps_ better when someone else does it for you."

He was expecting Sasuke to flush pink again, maybe call him a loser or throw something at his head. Not-

"I'll remember you offered if I ever decide to give it a go."

This time, Naruto flushed.


	5. Chapter 5

_Oh wow, it's been forever! I should've been working today but I also felt like an ass for not updating this. This chapter is not quite as light-hearted as previous chapters as some plot rears its head :-) Thanks for keeping at me!_

* * *

_**LiK – Chapter 5**_

Naruto yawned widely and slid further down the base of the tree they were sitting under.

"Tell me guys," he started, scrubbing at his eyes to stay awake, "why you get up at four a.m to wait three hours for Kakashi to get here. And didn't he say yesterday you don't have missions?"

The other Naruto grinned widely, his eyes squinting in the way Naruto knew his did as well. "It's practically tradition."

Sakura nodded absentmindedly, looking over Sai's shoulder as he sketched with the dim dawn light.

"Gives us a chance to just relax before we work hard," she added, smothering her own yawn behind her hand. "Plus we still need to train."

Naruto still didn't understand why the relaxing part couldn't be done in the comfort of their own beds until a reasonable hour, but he was already suspecting that most people in Konoha were a little touched in the head.

"Kakashi didn't think we knew, but when we were in the Academy still he used to hide in the trees and observe us during this time," Sasuke said from his perch on the bridge railing, the only one still at the actual meeting place.

Uzumaki glanced over at him. "That's kinda creeper-ish man."

"He is a pervert," Sai said, his brow furrowed slightly as he concentrated on his drawing.

"_Not_ a paedophile though," Naruto's lookalike scowled at Sai, the whisker marks on his cheeks growing more pronounced for a moment.

"Of course not," Sakura agreed easily, patting her fiancé on the knee reassuringly and shooting a quick glare at Sai.

Naruto watched the exchange closely, finding it equally interesting that they actually liked and respected their teacher-leader guy and that Sai irritated the whole team on occasions.

But it was the whisker thing and the flash of red he saw in his lookalike's eyes that made him lean forward.

"What was that?"

"I said-"

"No," Uzumaki interrupted, scooting over until he was sitting in front of the other Naruto, now wide awake. "Your _eyes_ man. And your scar things. What was _that_?"

Judging by the way Sai stopped sketching and Sasuke jumped from the railing and joined them on the grass, Naruto had asked A Very Interesting Question.

"Ah, well, it's uhm…"

"A long story," Sasuke finished, "that you don't really need to worry about."

Naruto watched, fascinated, as his lookalike shot Sasuke a glance that screamed 'thank you'. What the fuck, he wondered to himself. He didn't understand the dynamics of this team _at all_.

"I need more charcoal," Sai said as he stood suddenly. "I'll be back soon."

Sakura climbed to her feet as well, pulling her fiancé up beside her. "We might go for a quick walk before Kakashi gets here. We won't be long."

Sasuke sat down as the others left.

"Did I say something stupid," Naruto asked, "or did I mention the elephant in the room?"

"It's a given that you say stupid shit," Sasuke cocked a brow at him. "Elephant in the room?"

Naruto settled back against the tree again, watching the sky grow pink and yellow on the horizon to signal the rising sun.

"It's a saying," he said. "Did I draw attention to the really obvious thing that everyone else was ignoring?"

"Ha," Sasuke snorted, rearranging to sit cross-legged and lean on his elbows. "Sort of."

Naruto waited patiently for about five seconds. "_Well_? Are you gonna _tell_ me the story?"

"It is a long story."

Sasuke sounded thoughtful and, Naruto wondered if the other even realised, a little sad.

"Cut it down to what your antisocialness will allow then. Five sentences or less."

"Okay. Naruto has the demon nine-tailed fox sealed in him. The seal has weakened and will eventually break so the Hokage is researching how to kill the demon completely. It seems there's no way to remove it that doesn't involve Naruto's death so she's finding a way to do that with as little risk as possible. I should be locked away, but I'm also the only one that can control the demon if the seal breaks before we're ready."

Naruto tried hard to believe what he was hearing but it was far too _insane_.

"So, so…lemme get this straight…" he said slowly, ticking off his thoughts on his fingers. "This demon fox is of the death and destruction and the end to humankind variety?"

"Yeah."

"And _you_…are the only one who would be able to control it if it broke loose?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

Sasuke sighed, turning his head in his palm to look at Naruto fully. "My bloodline ability, _Sharingan_."

"What's Sha-" Uzumaki fell silent abruptly when Sasuke's eyes morphed from almost black to bloody red. And his pupils separated in to weird kaleidoscope patterns, spinning too fast to be anything but a blur.

And then they were dark again.

"_Whoa_. No wonder you didn't masturbate," Naruto was gobsmacked for a long moment. "Pretty fucking cool but what does it _do_?"

Sasuke chuckled humourlessly, facing forward once more. "Nothing anymore. Well, not unless the demon breaks out."

"…Huh?"

"You know bits of it all already," Uchiha shot him a glare. "I'm dangerous."

"_Everyone_ in Konoha is dangerous," Uzumaki shrugged, not impressed. "_You're_ a homicidal insane bastard that's managed to skip out on life behind bars, and yet you _still_ haven't really explained that part."

"Why they let me walk around instead of just letting me out if and when I'm needed?" Sasuke slammed his fists in to the grass, mouth a jagged line of anger. "I didn't have a _choice_, and now they control _me_. It's what the Council always wanted."

Naruto was sick of asking questions and getting run-around answers but this time Sasuke wasn't finished. Uchiha leapt to his feet and began undoing his ridiculous puffy vest. When he hiked up his navy undershirt Naruto thought maybe he ought to say something.

"Uh…you're rather hot and interesting in an exotic I'd Probably Get Burned sort of way but this is a little sudden and a tad too public…"

Sasuke ignored his weak attempt to ease the anger and tension and pulled his shirt over his head, turning immediately to show Naruto his back.

Uzumaki sucked in his breath and wasn't sure what happened to it from there.

It looked like a fresh tattoo to Naruto, the inked edges lined with angry red skin as though it were only done yesterday. It spanned across Sasuke's entire back, intricate lines and symbols that he didn't understand and a huge kanji character that Naruto had never seen before etched between his shoulder blades.

"Is that…" Naruto hesitated, he wanted to say the right thing. "Is that a seal?"

Sasuke slouched, his voice low. "Yeah. Stops me from being able to use anything but the most basic ninjutsu. And my _Sharingan_ won't have any effect unless faced with the demon fox."

He pulled his shirt and vest back on before dropping to sit beside Naruto once more, quiet and withdrawn. Or more so than usual at least, Uzumaki thought.

It was all so serious and intense.

"It looks painful," Naruto wasn't sure what to say when Uchiha had said so much.

The other teen hmmed vaguely but offered nothing further.

Naruto, however, was thinking. Aloud.

"Wouldn't it be safer if you _were_ locked away?"

Sasuke looked at him with a raised brow.

"Well," Uzumaki amended, sitting up fully, "you are the last of your clan right? The last with your special eye thing. So shouldn't your Council be keeping you safe since you are your world's last line of defence in the case of Escaped Rampaging Killer Demon? And doesn't sealing away your abilities make you vulnerable?"

Uchiha stared at him. "You're not stupid. My apologies."

Naruto grinned, slightly confused but pleased. "Graciously accepted of course."

"That's why I'm on the team," Sasuke explained. "It goes both ways. I need their _protection_ and I need to be near Naruto in case of, as you say, Escaped Rampaging Killer Demon. The Council's seal will automatically deactivate when needed and I'll be able to force the fox back in to submission."

He shrugged, frowning. "It's not ideal and I certainly don't like it, but it's the best we've got until Tsunade can kill it, or remove it, from Naruto."

Uzuamki watched Sasuke from the corner of his eye. The kooky teen was strange.

He was accused of murder, and attempted murder.

And yet here he was, forced to be the shield of this world and shouldering that responsibility with little complaint, likely a lot of pain and yet with little support.

It striked Naruto as unfair.

Perhaps he'd feel differently if he were Sai or Sakura or this world's Naruto, but it didn't change the fact that without even realising it, Sasuke was doing an awful lot to make up for his past douchebaggy mistakes.

And not receiving a lot of recognition for his efforts.

He grinned mischievously.

"Well," Naruto said loudly and brightly, rolling on to his stomach to face Uchiha easily, "I've been here for all of two days and you've fed me, clothed me, put a roof over my head, tolerated my company and questions and now I know you are, like, the only person who can save my life in the event of Killer Demon Fox so I gotta say: I really appreciate you, Sasuke. And thanks."

Uzumaki continued to smile as Sasuke just stared at him, obviously at a loss as to what to do.

Eventually he hunched forward and tilted his head so his bangs obscured his face, but not before Naruto saw the flaring heat flush across his cheeks.

"No problem," he said, voice low, relaxing after a long moment to shoot Naruto a small quick smile.

Moments later Sai and then Naruto and Sakura returned, closely followed by Kakashi which was apparently surprisingly.

"You're late but still…early-ish?" Sakura said, uncertain, glancing behind their sensei as if that would reveal why.

"Oh," the man said simply, his nose in a different book of the same variety this morning. "I would've been earlier but I came across a fox and a snake you see, but I didn't want to disturb their conversation so I went for a walk and decided I'd come back a bit later."

Two blonds and an artist stared at Kakashi with varying degrees of incomprehension.

But a pink rabbit glanced at the snake and thought that maybe it wasn't as poisonous as she thought.


	6. Chapter 6

_Not dead…though 'dead' would be a much cooler excuse for not updating than 'farking busy' and 'miserable'. HAD to update when Housenka PMed me the other day so bloody nicely *shakes fist* Damn you, you sweet lovely encouraging person, damn you xoxo_

_So much dialogue in this chapter…why do ninja like to talk so much? Also, and this will become randomly relevant in this chapter, I heard Kishimoto draws ninja sandals because he likes drawing toes. And I braved the Narutos having a conversation…I can tell you, **that** isn't gonna happen often... _

* * *

_**LiK – Chapter 6**_

"Jeezuz _fuck_," Naruto mumbled to himself, eyes wide as he stood beside Kakashi watching the others 'train'.

Sai, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke were _scary_.

Sai drew inked pictures in milliseconds that could _kill_ you.

Naruto somehow produced dozens upon dozens of clones that could _kill_ you after kicking your ass in to the ground.

Sakura threw punches that would, despite what Sasuke had said previously, _kill_ you considering what her fists did to the ground, trees and Naruto's clones.

And, even though he was limited to 'only' basic ninjutsu, Sasuke was as resourceful as he was clever and could _kill_ you with whatever was lying around. Or his bare goddamn _hands_.

Uzumaki rubbed his eyes and stared as the four fighters practically flew through the air, throwing knives and jutsu and running up trees and along water and fucking _hell_.

"Fucking _hell_," he repeated aloud, because it was so insanely scary in a totally awesome way.

"They are impressive, aren't they?" Kakashi chuckled. "I'd say they're our village's best, but I'm rather biased on that."

Naruto glanced at the man out of the corner of his eye. He was the team's teacher, he wondered, so how powerful was _he_ then?

"This is insane!" he exclaimed, unable to bottle up what he was witnessing. "How do you even police this sort of power?"

Kakashi looked at him strangely, lowering his book porn. "It's what we've always known so we educate, train and learn. Of course we have a hierarchy, a government if you will. But it's just like everywhere and anywhere there are humans: there's always a minority who use their skills inappropriately."

"And what happens to them?"

"They're hunted down and killed," Kakashi shrugged, opening his worn book once more.

"Right," Naruto murmured faintly, turning back to watch. "Of course they are. Right."

The training, however, appeared to be over as the team made their way toward Kakashi and Naruto. Glancing at the sky Uzumaki realised they had been at it for quite some time, not that he noticed because he had been embarrassingly _mesmerised_.

As they drew close, he could see none of them had even a scratch. _Bizarre_.

"I suppose you heard the summons, Sakura," Kakashi said by way of greeting.

Sakura nodded. "The hospital's been understaffed lately. Tsunade-sama said I'd be on call."

She said goodbye to her fiancé, with a full mouth kiss that made Naruto feel distinctly awkward, before leaping away in to the trees.

"What summons?" he asked the rest of the team in general, still goggling after Sakura's adept exit that was apparently no big deal. "I didn't hear anything."

They all looked at him.

"You didn't hear the crow?" Sasuke frowned. "Your awareness of your surroundings is concerning."

"Well fuck, I may have! It's not like I pay attention to crows. They're _everywhere_."

"Not in Konoha. The Hokage uses crows to send messages," Sai added.

"Huh," Naruto mused aloud. "Why not use pigeons?"

"_Pigeons_?" Sasuke stared at him, openly dumbfounded. "Those things are as dumb as bricks and fly just as well, and shit _everywhere_. Who in their right mind would use _pigeons_ to send messages?"

"Huh," Naruto repeated. "Well we just use phones. Much easier. And quicker."

Kakashi leaned forward, interested. "Yes, Sasuke told me about that communication you used. How does it work?"

"…Um. Yeah. I actually have no idea."

"Have I told you lately that you're a retard?" Sasuke said after a long silence.

Naruto locked his hands behind his head with a grin, unaffected. "Every day since I've known you. I thought you were some sort of genius, man. Kinda figured you would've thought of a new insult by now."

The other Naruto barked out a surprised laugh, looking at Sasuke differently. "I've never thought of it that way before."

Sasuke shrugged, clearly not overly concerned. "If the shoe fits…"

Naruto rested his fist on his chin and stared down at Sasuke's feet, unable to ignore the peep toes any longer. "Seriously, I have to ask now it's been indirectly sort of not really brought up…what's with the sandals?"

Even Kakashi tore his eyes from his book to join everyone else in looking at Uchiha's shoes curiously. "What do you mean?"

Naruto wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic tactfully. "Uh…they're very…distinctive?"

Sasuke stared at him. "The hell..? Distinctive? Everyone wears them."

Naruto exploded into a flurry of movement, gesturing wildly. "I know right! What's with that? What if you dropped one of those koon-eye things or stubbed your toe or something? They seem so impractical for being a shinbo! Why not closed-in shoes?"

"_Shinobi_," Sasuke corrected with an eye roll so loud the 'you retard' didn't need to be voiced. "_Kunai_."

Sai, however, appeared to be giving the question serious consideration.

"I like them," he said, jutting out his foot and inspecting it. "They're comfortable."

Naruto v2.0 agreed, extending out his own beside Sai's. "And they breathe."

Kakashi nodded, examining his own footwear in turn. "We spend a lot of time outdoors and training, missions and so on. Possible build-up of moisture, which could lead to a build-up of microbes…leading to bacterial infections, gangrene, amputations. Rather impractical to be a ninja without a left foot."

Naruto stared at the peep toes that now made a lot more sense. "I…suppose closed-in shoes are over-rated, if you think about it."

"Can we not stand in a circle staring at our feet?" Sasuke asked after a long moment of doing exactly that. "This is ridiculous."

"Yes, while this little tangent has been…positively riveting-" Kakashi snapped his porn shut and stowed it in one of his many pockets "-I have better things to do."

Sasuke snorted rather indelicately. "No you don't."

"Well, no, but…" Kakashi shrugged almost apologetically before disappearing.

"God I wish I could do that," Naruto muttered, shaking his head. "What an asshole."

"Hey, uh…" Naruto v2.0 glanced at him and floundered a moment, obviously unsure how to address him before just deciding not to. "I was going to head over to the mission report office to visit Iruka-sensei. Did you want to come? He might have something you could do."

Uzumaki glanced at Sai, who was already ignoring them in favour of his sketchbook, and Sasuke, who was pretending to ignore them by staring off in to the distance.

It was probably time to have a go at getting over the strangeness, he admitted.

"Yeah, sure."

It was weird leaving Sasuke behind. Ever since Naruto's dorm room had been invaded by ninja, the kooky Uchiha had basically been _there_ all the time.

But talking with Konoha's Uzumaki was surprisingly interesting.

"Sasuke told you about it then?" he said to Naruto's not so subtle questions about the demon fox. "Granny Tsunade thinks she might be close to working out something, but she wants to be sure. It's not like we can test it beforehand."

"What's it like?"

Naruto looked at him as they walked, squinting in confusion. "What's what like?"

"You know," he waved his hands around vaguely, "having a killer demon sealed up inside you, or whatever the situation is. What's it like?"

Uzumaki laughed shortly, surprised. "No one's asked me that before. It's hard to explain. Most of the time I don't notice. Other times-"

He broke off with a grimace and took a steadying breath. "Other times it's hard to remember myself if I'm angry or someone I care about is in trouble."

Naruto stared at the Uzumaki of this strange ninja world. He hadn't thought much of him to begin with, tried not to honestly, but there seemed to be a few layers more to the guy than Naruto expected. It was uncanny how identical they were, and yet they had been shaped differently by their worlds.

"Do you mean like the demon tries to take over?"

Naruto shrugged. "In a way. It can't without my say so, but if I'm upset enough it gets harder to remember that I don't need its power."

He grinned suddenly, abashed. "I've got a bit of a temper so I do my best to stay relaxed these days."

Uzumaki wondered at something then. "So…you and the crazy bastard…is that why you two don't hang out much? Too much bad blood get the demon riled?"

Naruto frowned, puzzled, before his face cleared and he chuckled. "Oh, Sasuke. Heh, yeah Kyuubi gets agitated around him. I think he can tell that Sasuke's _Sharingan_ can control him. I'm kinda surprised he told you so much..."

Uzumaki felt the questioning stare prickle at his skin uncomfortably and shook it off with a jerky roll of his shoulders. "Man, even if your team hangs out practically every day, I think that guy's lonely."

Naruto watched closely as his lookalike's eyes flashed darkly for a moment. "It's not like we don't or didn't try. He pushes everyone away."

"Easier that way. …I suppose attempted murder by your best friend _is_ rather hard to forgive or forget too."

The anger seemed to seep out of Naruto then with a soft sigh. "…Yeah. But…I don't think Sasuke ever really had friends. I was just the closest to it."

Naruto was inclined to disagree but then he thought about it. Did the crazy bastard even know _how_ to be friends with someone? He wouldn't be surprised if Sasuke didn't. Life likely hadn't been easy.

Uzumaki suddenly laughed out loud at the epiphany that struck him square in the face.

"Sasuke," he said seriously, "is like a cactus."

"…What?" Naruto looked suitably startled. "Those spiky plants? I never could grow them."

Naruto grinned back, pleased. "Exactly!"

His lookalike didn't appear particularly convinced. "So you reckon Sasuke is prickly and unapproachable?"

"Well…yes. _But_, most people think cacti don't need taking care of, you see."

"They don't. They grow in the desert."

"Wrong! Well, they _do_ grow in the desert," Naruto added, waving his hands around as he warmed up to how _well_ it fit, "but a cactus isn't as tough as it looks. It still needs water and nutrients and shit that everything else needs to survive. The problem is, people don't _think_ they do. They see a cactus and think 'well shit, that plant looks pretty fucking hardass with all its them there spikes – it can damn well look after itself'."

"I…see?"

Uzumaki shook his head. "Listen. If your usual type of plant isn't happy, it withers and yellows and sheds leaves and so on, but a _cactus_ isn't like that. It-"

"-suffers in silence and then suddenly falls over beyond all hope of recovery."

Naruto stared at wide blue eyes locked with his, hands frozen in mid-air. He hadn't thought the metaphor through to its inevitable closing and kind of wished he had.

His hands fell to his sides. "Uh…yeah. I guess that's where I was going with that. Yeah."

"Holy shit," said Uzumaki. "Sasuke's a cactus."

They had paused in the street with the sudden bizarre epiphany, though now they continued along their way, Naruto shadowing his lookalike.

The Naruto here, Uzumaki thought slowly as they walked, didn't know how to grow cacti. He'd said as much.

But Naruto. He did. He'd kept one on his kitchen window sill for as long as he could remember, and it flowered every year.


End file.
